CURSE OF THE COMMENTATOR (OR SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!)      

Normally when you hear George Hamilton saying “Its looks like Ireland have won” you can be sure it’s followed by two goals in the next sixty seconds from Liechtenstein against us. Even the words “Danger here” is guaranteed to see the opposition slice through our defence like butter and hammer home a last minute winner such was the calamity Hamilton’s words spread into the defence. Good old George’s words of “wisdom” are enough to make the blood drain from your face; mind you I’d take him over commentators who don’t say what they mean.

There’s nothing worse than seeing your prize centre forwards leg chopped off at the knee by a 20 stone poor man’s Chopper Harris (not that he was that skilled!) on  television, only to here the commentator bleat “Hmmm that was a tad robust of the defender on the Sligo Rovers striker but it’s a man’s game my son!”

The balls gone up the other end whilst your hitman is being dragged off the pitch by the physio , with an undertaker on standby and the skipper carrying the remainder of his leg.......in his hands!

Nothing drives me more insane!  Irish commentators and pundits are a different breed to, say, the Match of The Day crew. Check their arse after a Saturday night sofa analysis on BBC and you’ll be able to pick the splinters out of Messrs Shearer and Hansen arse for sitting on the fence so long.

Us? If it’s not George Hamilton putting his foot in it, love him or hate him Roddy Collins having a go (and the odd rub at teams) it’s Eamonn Dunphy giving us his candid yet hilarious views of the game...but they’re passionate and say what they mean, or in the case of George, what he thinks until he puts a hex on things!

So let’s get things into perspective here. Below is a list of what commentators can he heard saying regularly in a match. The first part is the actual quote; the second is what they really mean!

“The man is inspirational”   =   The rest of the team are complete rubbish.

“Good in midfield or attack” = Useless in defence

“The Target Man” = Lanky striker who never scores.

“He’s a fiery players alright” = Likely to be sent off in the first 5 minutes of a game.

“Every much travelled” = every manager hated him

“The man is temperamental “= 50% temper, 50% mental

“A former International “39, knees are gone any playing non-league for a few quid.

“The team lacks confidence” = 57 defeats in 58 games- the other one were postponed.

“Good at finding space “= you’ll never see him tackle.

“Hustle a forward” = Kick the crap out of him.

“Man to man marking” = same as “hustle a forward”

“He is really fearless” = He’s just plain thick.

“It’s going to be tough now “= 4-0 down and we’re in injury time

“He obscured the ref’s view” = Man in black jibs big decision

“It’s anybody’s game now” = Likely to end 0-0.

“The game’s a bit shot-shy” = 89 minutes of suicide induced football has just passed.

“He’s got to go for that one “= Possible GBH assault charge coming.

“The crowd is like a library” = 57 people in the stand and their team is 5-0 down.

“Long serving player” = on a week to week contract and nobody wants him”

“Sneaked in at the back post” = your clown of a left back wasn’t there.

“Penalties are a cruel way to end it “= we absolutely love watching them.

One of the funniest commentators I came across whilst travelling the 21 grounds for my new League of Ireland book was a guy called John Murphy in Dundalk. An ex- Lilywhite himself he commentates for every one of Dundalk’s games each week on Dundalk 101 FM.

Whilst at the Dundalk v Glentoran game in the Setanta Cup earlier this year he came up with this classic after Glentoran had won a penalty he somehow had missed.

“And Glentoran have won a penalty. I didn’t see it myself but it’s a disgraceful decision!”