WHICH ONE DO YOU STAND NEXT TO?

Don’t pretend you don’t know them. There’s always one within earshot of you tell the truth. You know the type. Whether it be once a season “gosh they have seats here, do they serve prawn sandwiches at half-time” free-loaders, to  the rose tinted glasses individual who remains hopelessly optimistic your club will turn around a five goal deficit in the last 34 seconds of a game and triumph 6-5 with the last kick of a ball. Below is a list of those very people!

1 . MR. MOUNTJOY -

Old enough to know better but never does. Arrives at the ground 15 minutes after the match has kicked off after ordering the last of his 26 pints before the game. Divides his time between shouting abuse and going to the toilet as the cold effects his bladder.

Insists he’s harder than any fan in the 100 year history of the club and spends the rest of his time singlehandedly offering to fight anyone in the crowd for suggesting your club never won the League 27 times in a row. To be fair to him he couldn’t remember those years as he was banged up in Mountjoy for 357 counts of GBH.

2.  THE MILLHOUSE

Usually a bespectacled maths teacher/social worker, complete with wax jacket and rabid finger waving at any home player that they happen to develop a phobia over (normally it’s a winger who takes the full brunt) Talks about how good he was back in your clubs under-11’s were he came on as a sub three times yet classes himself a football connoisseur. Most likely to be seen at the opposite end of where Mr. Mountjoy stands.

3.  HOPELESSLY DEVOTED “IT’LL BE ALRIGHT” GUY

Ace supporter. Never missed a game since the midwife cut his umbilical cord. Goes to reserve games and starts a Mexican wave with his 97 year dad who thought he was being brought to bingo (subsequently has his father’s coffin draped in your clubs colours after hyperthermia killed the man that night.) Absolutely always does as he thinks best for the club and never rocks the boat. So gullible it hurts.

4.  ONCE A SEASON FREE TICKET BASTARD

Got a free ticket at work otherwise he wouldn’t be there. Always gets the ticket the one time your club are playing on TV...in the cup...against your biggest rivals! Has an Alan Shearer dangly thing hanging out of the car window, the irony of which is lost on him. Looks baffled after a goal is scored and wonders why there is no action replay. Equally puzzled why Andy Gray isn’t commentating for him. Always first to the bar but last to buy a round.

5.  PIE-MAN

Like Batman fighting The Joker. Superman fending off Lex Luthor. Football grounds needs superhero’s too. Pie-man can eat a pastie in a one chomp. Leap to the food kiosk in a single bound. Like lighting he wade’s his way through his adversaries to devour every hotdog on offer and foil the villains (that’ll be the public) of actually getting something to eat. Maintains he’s big-boned (not big-assed) and devours six burgers in front of you when you have no money and haven’t eaten in three days.

6.  O.M.G.   (Old Miserable Git)

Also translates as Oh My God. Complains the moment the game kicks off. Can remember the zeppelin accidentally bombing the ground and how his father single-handedly took down Nazi Germany by beating Hitler to death with his ration book. Always compares the present  side to the team of the fifties and how they had to walk  27 miles in bare feet just to see the game  with 4p in their pocket(oh and I forget the snow!)

7.  ANNOYING LITTLE BOY

Spends entire  game kicking your heels and shouting “Dad I want to go home and play the X-box, that’s real football.” Is wearing replica Man United/Liverpool or any other Premiership side’s shirt. Some satisfaction can be obtained by accidentally sticking your foot out as they run past and sniggering at them when they hit the ground and start crying for mammy.

8.   RADIO MAN

Ear plugs glued in, he inhabits an abstract world where he listens to match reports from far away whilst watching your team in action. Can be heard shouting “goal” every 15 minutes and annoying everyone even more by not telling you who’s scored. Keeps tapping his left ear and going “ohhh that was close” whilst your club are 6-0 down at home and taking a goal kick.

Can be useful to Once A Season Free Ticket Man as he’s likely to throw the result of a few Premiership games his way.