100 Most Depressing Love Songs of All time

97.      Song;  Sylvia’s Mother

           Who’s to Blame; Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show

           Worst Lyric; “The operator says 40 cent more for the next 3 minutes.”

           Chart Position; U.S (No.5) U.K. (No.2)

           Heartbreak Rating:  5/10  (If you’ve broken a girl’s heart the last thing you

                                                                                  should do is call her mother!      

There are many love songs which bring a tear to an eye. Many whose lyrical content actually tell the true story of a long lost love or personal tragedy.

Then there’s those that whinge.

And Christ this is one of them.

Despite being a massive trans-Atlantic hit and giving New Jersey soft rock/country outfit Dr Hook & The Medicine Show their biggest single to date, I can’t have any sympathy for a man who spends about twenty euro on the phone professing his love to his lover’s mom whilst Sylvia is down at the local train station about to head out of his life forever.

Dennis Locorriere isn’t the sharpest tool in the box. Dr Hook’s lead singer is hopelessly in love with a girl called Sylvia – however the feeling isn’t mutual. In fact by the time Dennis picks up the phone to tell her not to leave him, she’s already getting ready to leave town and marry a guy from Galveston!

The writing should have been on the wall as soon as Sylvia’s mother picks up the phone.

                   Sylvia’s mother says she’s too busy to come to the phone 

             Sylvia’s mother says she’s trying to start a new life of her own         

That’s kind of a bad sign Dennis. When you’re lover wants to start a new life of her own, never mind get up off the sofa to chat to you at the end of a receiver that’s pretty much rule no.1 in the international guide of -Why Does My Lover Hate Me?      

Determined to press on, Dennis continues to use Sylvia’s mom as a telephonist as he tries to win back her daughter.

He says he’s only wants to keep her a while, if only to say goodbye, however Sylvia’s mom (who is just referred to as Mrs. Avery all the time) gets a bit narky and says “Don’t say nothin’ to make her start cryin’ and stay – she’s marrying a guy down Galveston way.”

Now I’m no expert but if I was the guy down Galveston way I’d be worried. First of all she’s only a few well chosen words and a hanky away from staying with Dennis, so it’s obvious the word “rebound” is in play here bigtime.  She may be a fine piece of ass to have two grown men (one miles away but besotted and another idiot crying on the phone) but no good can come of this situation.

The real villain of the piece however seems to be that pesky operator who keeps asking for “40 cent more for the next three minutes”. If you were a real man Dennis you’d have told the operator to **** off, been over at the house, whisked Sylvia off her feet and booked into the local Travelodge leaving the operator to mind her own business and Sylvia’s mother to marry the guy down Galveston way instead.        

Dr. Hook split in ’85 and Locorriere has forged himself a modest career as a solo performer ever since.

Mainly on the back of his constant whinging down a phone line.

Useless Trivia No 133 – British Folk rockers – They Men They Couldn’t Hang – actually wrote a sequel to the song called “Mrs Avery” which begins where “Sylvia’s Mother” ends and tells what happens next.  

She’s goes after Dennis with a shotgun.