According to the record books, football’s origin lies in the
19th century, but anyone who’s seen Stoke City play recently will
know it dates back to the primitive days. With this in mind I shall rewrite the
history books and tell you exactly how the beautiful game came about as you sit
down waiting for the ‘Blues to kick off another season.
In fact it was Noah who had the flash idea of planting two
poles some distance apart and therefore inventing the goalposts. However God
was not happy. Noah may have invented the goal but he had not yet got round to
inventing a decent drainage system for the pitch. Therefore our Lord sent forth
a huge flood and washed out the entire football season. Six years later the
pitches dried out and Noah introduced the revolutionary 2-2-2-2-2 system. His team were relegated
from the top flight and former Waterford United manager Mike Flanagan took
over. This coincided with multiple relegations and a 27 year stint in the
depths of the League of Ireland First Division.
The ancient Egyptians elevated the game to a new level
though. Matches were played in a big expensive stadium with two teams numbering
thousands (picking a man of the match proved almost impossible). Moses, manager of Red Sea Rovers, was not
impressed and headed to Cairo to form a breakaway league. When the Egyptian FA
imposed sanctions Moses brought down a plague of hamstring injuries, groin
strains and ligament damages to the league.
When he was fined, Moses really lost the rag and produced six weeks of
constant rain and thunderstorms which caused havoc with the league fixtures.
The FA had forgotten Moses was well in with God. Waterlogged pitches weren’t
going to be a problem in the Promised Land.
The Greeks were very keen on their sport and Archimedes,
manager of a highly successful outfit- The Spartans, declared it was better to
fail in honour than win by cheating. Their captain Ashley Young was not at all
impressed. With an attitude like that they were always going to underachieve.
However Greece did play the first ever international match
(against the Trojans) and their star striker would be Achilles. 47 goals in 3
games, a poster pin-up boy for the ladies but a woman from Troy called Helen
would mess up his international career. It’s a little known fact that my local
side Waterford United actually became the first club side Greece played. Johnny
Matthews got the winner but mainly because the Greek goalkeeper was a Cyclops
and only had one eye.
The Barbarians caused untold damage soon after as they roamed
through Europe pillaging trophy cabinets along the way. Much of their success
was down to a journeyman midfield assassin called Attila the Hun. Sent off in
every game he’d ever played he was once capped for Wales (his grandmother had
went to Swansea on a day trip once)
Back in Britain there was much more stability and a home
international tournament was set up. This would feature the Saxons, Danes and
Celts. The richest club at the time where of course Camelot (King Arthur would
make over 3,000 appearances) However Arthur was devastated when the Knights of
the Round Table told him his captain and best friend Lancelot had been cheating
with his wife Guinevere and he spiralled into depression and Camelot went out
of the Excalibur Cup in the first round that year. With shame brought upon the
club by a love rat who beds other people’s wives for fun, Lancelot was
transferred to the only club in England who would allow such infidelity and
arrived at Stamford Bridge a day later to the out-stretched arms of John Terry.
Football continued to thrive throughout Europe but in Asia there
would be a far more sinister problem. In Japan there would be a serious
shortage of players due to Samaria mercenaries committing suicide at the end of
each game. Japanese Ninja full backs would take their life even if a goal was
ruled offside and younger players, old women and livestock were drafted in to
make sure clubs at least had 11 on the field (even if there were six year olds
and a bunch of cats) This would lead to Confucius coining the phrase “You don’t
win anything with kids or farmyard animals”
Medieval
times saw Nottingham Forest first come to providence. Lead by a daredevil 67
goal a season striker called Robin Hood, who gave his wages to the poor and had
the most attractive girl on the block in Maid Marian, Robin was an all round
good guy some would cruelly say still the last big name to emerge from
Nottingham Forest) The club won ten league titles in a row before the Sheriff
of Nottingham took over, sold Robin to Exeter City and hung goalkeeper Friar
Tuck (not a man to be messed with!)
One
of the dirtiest players in medieval times would be Joan of Arc. After reaching
30 disciplinary points she was brought up in front of the board and fined. Not happy with that she appealed it and was
promptly burnt at the stake.
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