A FUN LOOK AT WHAT WILL & WON'T HAPPEN AT BRAZIL 2014

VUVUZELAS

The man who invented this plastic trumpet-shaped demon from four years ago should have been brought to trail, found guilty of killing the atmosphere in a 50,000 stadia and put to death by a public stoning. The face he hasn’t and Oscar Pistorius is still walking around free is a crime in itself.

AFRICA- ASK ME TANK!

The second greatest player in the world has always talked up an African country winning a World Cup (as does the hideous lump of lard calling the shots at FIFA); hence the generous allocation to African teams in basically a piss-poor continent bar 4 or 5 nations. The facts weigh strongly against this – since 1930 no team from Africa has made a final, let alone the last four. 2010 did present a chance for Ghana in the Quarter-Finals with the last kick of their game against Uruguay when Luis Suarez blatantly handed Stephen Appiah’s goalbound effort on the line. A nation held its breath (including the Vuvuzela assholes) only for Asamoah Gyan to hit the crossbar. In was only going one way after that .The sight of Suarez celebrating from the sidelines was in poor taste- thankfully it’s the last time the man has been involved in controversy.

SOUTH AMERICA OR EUROPE

Blatantly obvious but the winner will come from either continent, and the fact the heat, humidity, and professional gamesmanship are all in South America’s favour  it’s hard to look beyond the winner coming from south of the equator.

Spain, Germany and maybe Italy will have something to say about it but the facts state that four times the World Cup has been played in South America (1930 Uruguay, 1950 Brazil, 1962 Chile, 1978 Argentina ,) have all been won by either the hosts (like Uruguay in 1950 and Argentina in ’78) or a neighbouring country. Even if you throw in a hot humid country like Mexico who’ve hosted it twice, you’ll see Brazil won it there in 1970 with the greatest Jules Rimet  cup winning side in history and 1986 when Diego Armando Maradona single-handily won a World Cup on his own – oh and Burruchaga scoring in the final.

In fact Spain is the only European country to have won the trophy outside of Europe.

ENGLAND & PENALTIES

It must be a source of utter bemusement for Roy Hodgson let alone every England fan the country wide that when it comes to placing a ball on a white spot 12 yards from goal and hitting the onion bag, England fail so consistently. Pundits would have you believe the Premiership is the greatest league in the world (Spain, Germany & Italy will boast the same, and quite rightly) but the art of Premier players mastering their demons from 11 metres on the world stage has yet to be exorcised. The closest England have come since ’66 was Bobby Robson’s 1990 side , a side who again lost on penalties in a semi-final that was dominated by an overrated Geordie, the right-place-right-time Lineker and those German penalties.

They just don’t miss do they....Don’t they Mr. Ozil!

If you factor in the European Championships, where England beat Spain in 1996, England have won one of six shootouts, with a 68 per cent conversion rate (21 scored, 10 missed). 

Maybe this year will be different. England, despite some exciting raw new talent, backed up by some old stagers aren’t expected to do anything. They are 28/1 for a reason, but maybe this will take the pressure off.

A BIG HEADED TURTLE

Just like we had an octopus with an insane spot on prediction before certain World Cup games four years ago, the Brazilians have got in on the act.

There’s a turtle sanctuary north of Salvador where Big Head the loggerhead is channelling the cosmos (probably) to make predictions for each game. It’s a bit like that Paul in South Africa, but a turtle.

The 25-year-old is predicting the results by choosing one of three fish, with a fish representing each of the teams in a given fixture and a third fish representing a draw. Big Head initially appeared to back Brazil-Croatia to end in a draw, but slowly turned away and crawled purposefully, menacingly to the Brazilian fish, which he devoured.

GOAL-LINE TECHNOLOGY

Finally we are coming out of the Stone Age an embracing what should have been embraced years ago. The traditionalists and Alan Hansen would have you believe it makes a mockery of the game to ‘Go down the route which could end like American football’ but in the name of justice and fair play (and weeding out Ref’s or linesman who get paid with a brown envelope and a painted hussy back in their hotel room) then it had to come in.

THE DARK HORSE

Always touted before a World Cup tournament. Expected to do well, but more often than not, fall on their faces. Has there ever been a dark horse that’s won a major soccer tournament? The only one that springs to mind came in the European Championships (Czechlovakia in 1976 and Denmark in 1992); however the tag this year falls on a country making their first appearance in the World Cup since 2002.

Vincent Kompany, Thibaut Coutois, Jan Vertonghen, Daniel van Buyten, Eden Hazard etc. Belgium are no longer only the hipster’s choice. They have an easy group but will likely face either Germany or Cristiano Ronaldo in the second round. An exciting prospect (unfortunate to be missing Beneteke), maybe they will give the competition an exciting outsider that may surprise a few people.

THE ADOPTED SIDE

Per usual through a mixture of Trap & Crap we aren't strutting our stuff at Brazil 2014. This once again means us Irish will have to adopt a team to support and stick with them throughout the four weeks - if they last that long.

Given the fact they kicked anything that moved, had the grace of a moose of black ice and showed a level of football even close to the Welsh League I think Honduras might be the nation to watch....to get destroyed that it.

ADRIAN CHILES

There are many, many words that can describe both Chiles and ITV , but, well, you already know them. Chiles is they type of oaf you'd gladly tie to a tree and batter him to death with an oar and not a blind bit of notice would be taken , whilst ITV's love of going  to show an ad about erectile dysfunction (shame on you Pele) while a game is in progress has become legendary.

Give them credit though - on covering England's 2010 Group game with USA they last a huge 4 minutes before making a balls of seeing Steven Gerrard score for England. We wait in wonder to see what they will bring us this year.